Marriage Woes

CURTIS, C. J. Appellant contests the validity of Section 251 of the Healthy Marriage Act of 1976, known as the No Wine on Week Nights Test, as being repugnant to the personal enjoyment clause under the Twelfth Amendment of the Silver Anniversary Constitution. The statute was sustained by the Lower Court of Sexual Frustration (217 X. Y. 312) and the case comes here on appeal.

The Act provides that, during the regular working week, neither wedded party shall have the right to imbibe sine permissione of the other; that any violation of this pact shall be punishable by whatever means necessary to prevent future violations…

The lower court upheld the statute as an emergency measure. Although conceding that the obligations of the contract were an undue hardship, the court acknowledged the change in priorities that often can result from lack of conjugal intercourse. Uncle Steve v. Martha’s Menses, 231 U.S. 21. Attention is thus directed to the Twelfth Amendment of the Silver Anniversary Constitution, which states that “Neither wedded party shall infringe on the personal enjoyment of the other without good cause.” The good cause provision is what is most relevant to our discussion here…

We are of the opinion that the No Wine Test as here applied stands in direct violation of the personal enjoyment clause. A declaratory judgment is therefore entered on behalf of the appellant. The issue of a mandamus for the restoration of conjugal intercourse shall be remanded to the Lower Court.

HOFFENDOODLE, J. and MCDONALD, J., concurring. AUSTIN, J., delivered a dissenting opinion.


(Parody of an official discourse)